There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
