she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
