I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
this hospital has no fireball
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize