here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize