I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
