Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize