I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
