1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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