Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
