In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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