We're like a lot better than the average bears
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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