Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
