Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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