So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
