you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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