when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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