i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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