i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
