so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
