I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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