so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
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