And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
