The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
