It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
