Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
