I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize