Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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