I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
