how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
