I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
