Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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