Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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