Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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