You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
