You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
