The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
