On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
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