I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
