I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
