i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
