Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
