I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Dicks are not precious.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
