Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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