I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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