After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize