Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
