Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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