He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I said "one day" and that day is not today
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
