I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
