So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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