If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Randomize
