I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
