How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
