He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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