i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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