I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
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