i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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