i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
