I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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