my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
